I have tried to write this three times now. Beginnings are always the most difficult, they can set the stage for every thing that happens after them. The beginning was magical, something which I had not felt in many years stirred inside me. We talked for what seemed like hours about freedom and the stars, About how curious and confusing the actions of humans are. We talked about the way people decide how we should act or react to situations and how they put the weight of those expectations on our shoulders. We talked about former lovers, how badly we'd been hurt in the past, how deep the scars are and how important honesty is... Then we went for Pho. Something about that night reminded me of who I am, what it's like to be free of my own expectations and my own self reservations and judgments, it was liberating. I had spent the night as myself, for the first time in what felt like years there were no  boundaries as to how far I could run.

Our first kiss... back at the same park, I wanted to walk, she wanted to talk, we did both. We found a pool, there was no one around. It took us some time, but we got in, she'd wanted to do that all summer. It was like a sparing match, how far would we dare to go? To the fence? To the roof? To the side of the pool? Would we jump in? Would he let her drown? Would she push him away?  Timid, uncertain, exhilurating; anticipation then passion. The only ones to witness it were the stars.

I am an alpha, I do not play well as second best. There was no reason to stay, she was my favorite play mate but games have to end some time. He was her best friend, his place in her life was secure. I was a periferal, a distraction, hardly competition. But when I started to walk away she stopped me and said, "He and I know that if the other person finds some one they want to be with we will have to stop and I really like you, A LOT. Isn't that enough?" I still can't say why I said it, it came from that place inside me that had only just woken up, "yes".  It happened that fast, I was in love, I didn't realize it at the time. It's not what I had wanted but all my defenses were down, she was inside my core, my music, my motion, my essence. She had the ability to effect every part of me and for some reason, I was happy about it. I wanted to share every piece of beauty I saw with her. Every act of kindness, every sunset, every storm and every flower. Every time something would touch that part of me, I would think of her. I wanted to be there with her, through every fall every stumble, every dilemma every tragedy; to catch her, steady her, listen to her, and help pick up the pieces.

Things weren't perfect but every time I would question weather I should stay she would find some way of reassuring me, of showing me that she was still there with me. And every time she did I would fall a little bit deeper. Some people will think I'm crazy but it got to a point where I could feel her inside, she had become apart of my life to the fullest extent. And people could see that even her. They would argue with me, fight with me, insult me, insult her. They would do what ever they thought neciessary to try and make me see that it wasn't mutual. None of them understood that I knew it wasn't mutual. I never fought for my right to be loved though I allowed my self to hope, I only fought for my right to love. In the end; broken, beaten,and destroyed, with my head down, kneeling in blood stained dirt holding my love high like a flag she gave me one last night of hope then left me.

To say now that I should let it go, to tell me now after all that I went through that I should be able to leave my love in the dirt, dust my self off and smile is to disrespect everything that I went through. I fought for this pain, and not one of you out there has the right or entitlement to tell me that it wasn't worth it.

My roll is not the one that I had hoped for. My suspicions are reinforced by minor circumstances which present me as the one on the ouside; stepping in occasionaly for a moment or two of amusment before being reminded of my place. I am on the edges of vision and unless I wave my arms I am not noticed. It is true that I am accepted in many tribes; however I belong to none of them and  so must take the lot of a guest and move on before my welcome becomes overstayed, stepping once again into these social wildes. Wildes which have been so much a part of my life. I understand their workings and mechanations, but to long in them and you become less then a man, more then an animal. You become a spectacle as you step into a circle. You attract awe, fascination, and suspicion as you pass through the crowd. Perhaps you might find a place to lay your head for a time but never a home, never a tribe to call your own. You spend enough time out here watching from the outside and the tribes loose their appeal, you learn to dispise their predictability  and the blind devotion of their numbers, when asked to stay you decline and move on not willing to sacrifice yourself to their ideals. If you stand long enough in one place you begine to imagine that you could possably build a place of sanctuary, a place for travelers like your self to stop when they start to crave a home, a place to gather a tribe of your own. But as you start to build you realise there is no foundation and your hard work crumbles leaving only the road at your feet, so you move on. Curriosity seakers will sometimes come to you, ask to travel with you between the social realms. They come to you seaking the wisdom and guidance of one who has an unbiased view, one who has seen things outside of the limited scope of their social frame. Some become enamoured with the idea of you seaking to join you on your journies and become a part of your world, for a time you may be foolish enough to believe that you have found a companion. Inevidably however they are drawn back into the folds of the tribe that they call home or of some other tribe which appeals to them and is willing to accept their pressence. They desire the comfort of familiarity and the stability of status, no matter how minor. Occasionaly you may cross paths with another wanderer, or a small pack of travelers like your self, but your paths soon seperate and you are once again the lone wolf, the social gypsy.

 

Marcus Aurelius once wrote;

"Thou hast embarked, thou hast made the voyage, thou art come to shore; get out. If indeed to another life, there is no want of gods, not even there. But if to a state with out sensation, thou wilt cease to be held by pains and pleasures, and to be a slave to the vessel, which is as much inferior as that which serves it is superior: for one is intelligence and deity; the other is earth and corruption."


While thinking on this I began to wonder; Is death actually like sleep the way Shakespeare suggested? Is dying simply the act of drifting from awareness of your surroundings into a state of non awareness? If so is it possible that in time one may become aware again of their individuality regardless of body and mind? 

Now that that is out of the way I'll perform a leap of logic bordering on inane; Is it possible that the brain simply acts as a control panel to our bodies for something physically intangable that even after the body decomposes and decays continues in it's self aware existence? Is that what we refer to as the soul? Could the physical be like a drug for the spiritual, something that is indulged in and not necessary for continued awareness? Are there spiritual equivalents to junkies? Spiritual entities who have forgotten how to exist with out a physical form? Maybe double suicides are simply a form of spiritual intervention, which are quickly fallowed up by spiritual twelve step programs... who knows? Maybe life is just an eighty year acid trip.

Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
and dream must
collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
the one I want
the
one I will become
will catch me

So let me fall
if I must fall
I
won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them

All i ask
All I
need
Let me open whichever
door I might open

Let me fall
If I
fall
Though the pheonix may
or may not rise

I wil dance so
freely
holding on to no one
you can hold me only
if you too will
fall
away from all these
useless fears and chains

Someone I
am
is waiting for my courage
the one I want
the one I will
become
will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed
your warnings
I won't hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There's no
reason
to miss this one chance
this perfect moment
Just let me fall