I have tried to write this three times now. Beginnings are always the most difficult, they can set the stage for every thing that happens after them. The beginning was magical, something which I had not felt in many years stirred inside me. We talked for what seemed like hours about freedom and the stars, About how curious and confusing the actions of humans are. We talked about the way people decide how we should act or react to situations and how they put the weight of those expectations on our shoulders. We talked about former lovers, how badly we'd been hurt in the past, how deep the scars are and how important honesty is... Then we went for Pho. Something about that night reminded me of who I am, what it's like to be free of my own expectations and my own self reservations and judgments, it was liberating. I had spent the night as myself, for the first time in what felt like years there were no boundaries as to how far I could run.
Our first kiss... back at the same park, I wanted to walk, she wanted to talk, we did both. We found a pool, there was no one around. It took us some time, but we got in, she'd wanted to do that all summer. It was like a sparing match, how far would we dare to go? To the fence? To the roof? To the side of the pool? Would we jump in? Would he let her drown? Would she push him away? Timid, uncertain, exhilurating; anticipation then passion. The only ones to witness it were the stars.
I am an alpha, I do not play well as second best. There was no reason to stay, she was my favorite play mate but games have to end some time. He was her best friend, his place in her life was secure. I was a periferal, a distraction, hardly competition. But when I started to walk away she stopped me and said, "He and I know that if the other person finds some one they want to be with we will have to stop and I really like you, A LOT. Isn't that enough?" I still can't say why I said it, it came from that place inside me that had only just woken up, "yes". It happened that fast, I was in love, I didn't realize it at the time. It's not what I had wanted but all my defenses were down, she was inside my core, my music, my motion, my essence. She had the ability to effect every part of me and for some reason, I was happy about it. I wanted to share every piece of beauty I saw with her. Every act of kindness, every sunset, every storm and every flower. Every time something would touch that part of me, I would think of her. I wanted to be there with her, through every fall every stumble, every dilemma every tragedy; to catch her, steady her, listen to her, and help pick up the pieces.
Things weren't perfect but every time I would question weather I should stay she would find some way of reassuring me, of showing me that she was still there with me. And every time she did I would fall a little bit deeper. Some people will think I'm crazy but it got to a point where I could feel her inside, she had become apart of my life to the fullest extent. And people could see that even her. They would argue with me, fight with me, insult me, insult her. They would do what ever they thought neciessary to try and make me see that it wasn't mutual. None of them understood that I knew it wasn't mutual. I never fought for my right to be loved though I allowed my self to hope, I only fought for my right to love. In the end; broken, beaten,and destroyed, with my head down, kneeling in blood stained dirt holding my love high like a flag she gave me one last night of hope then left me.
To say now that I should let it go, to tell me now after all that I went through that I should be able to leave my love in the dirt, dust my self off and smile is to disrespect everything that I went through. I fought for this pain, and not one of you out there has the right or entitlement to tell me that it wasn't worth it.