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(no subject) [Oct. 25th, 2010|02:09 am]
There is a lions face carved into the asphalt out side my work, you can only see it from the cameras, and only in the rain.
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2010|06:27 am]
Small increments in a larger disaster.
Slowly the pieces fall, I hand them to you, show you what I see,
you want to chase butterflies. 
Slowly I become like dust, desperate for a drink I tell you what I need,
you want to build sand castles. 
Slowly I take flight, disapearing in winds of change, I scream,
you like the sounds of children
playing on the beach.
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(no subject) [Aug. 2nd, 2010|03:20 am]
There are times when the things that we believe in a rocked, sometimes shaken and even cracked. There are times when even the deepest realities in our psyche become less then stable, ground to a fine dust, in essence destroyed. The loss will always be there but the world never stops turning. This time, this moment holds nothing but potential. We can work with this potential, we can change what is into what we need. Every day the things we have and the people we are change, sometimes in small increments barely noticeable. Other times in drastic and unimaginable ways. We as free thinking people have the ability to take that growth, that transformation, and guide it, taking what we have and slowly, carefully, dare I say delicately turn it into what we desire it to be. Each moment holds the foundation of the next. Having a vision now is useless if we fail to build on what we have, waiting for the tools to fall in our laps. We need to build those tools from what we have before us or they'll never present themselves. I suppose, in essence, what I'm trying to say is that our lives are in our own hands, and we can hold only ourselves responsible for the direction that they are taking...
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2010|10:41 pm]
Small indications of what is sometimes become more apparent then overt attempts to hide the reality. The truth is that I love you and you are not ready yet to love me. We were completely in love briefly but then reality fell into place right in the middle of the dream. Every thing fell apart. Not ready to let go I asked for the dream back, and I got it. For a brief moment we were in love again. You want it just as baddly as I do. But you have alot on your mind and I have alot of insecurities. You cannot love me with the passion I need from you  and I cannot  pretend that you do. You are not mine to hold, I will remember what we share, perhaps we might try again at the next watering hole. Until then, I love You.
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(no subject) [Apr. 6th, 2010|10:29 pm]
This is what defeat tases like, this sinking pit in my chest, lost and devoid of reason or direction. don't be surprised at the content, when have I ever posted while I'm happy? this is where I come when there's no other outlet. I'm pretty much fucked. I'm put to the boards and I'm pretty sure that the people doing it think that they're teaching me a lesson. They're saying THIS is what being cut off is. this is their idea of loving me. Driving me further away, I'm looking for a soft place to land but every where I turn there's judgment or pitty. People trying to fix whats wrong but it's not what I need. They let me writhe for a week at the edge of what's come to pass with only a fraction of hope that it wouldn't. And then after a night of beauty and joy they turned to me and said, öh yeah, we're going there and you can't come". I show them the things that I feel and they are appalled. They ask me how I could even dare to think those things about them. actions speaking louder then words they close the door in my face and now after loving so much I am left empty. They'll probably say "I won't stand for that" but if they look at what I've had to stand for is it any wonder that I'm here now, no one left to pour my heart out to but a computer screen. I listen to the same song over and over again trying to feel as much as possable before I go numb. All I've ever wanted, since I was a small boy was to be loved and to be allowed to love in return. and when I find it I am not allowed to experience it. if this is what I have to look forward to, if this is where my path is taking me what point is there to continuing? I'm just going to sit down quietly hings aren't always what they seem. 
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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2009|11:03 pm]
The pain has been very deep of late. It won't be suppressed so I need to dig underneath it and expel it. It has been a very violent emotional experience. It took some one I love telling me that it's ok to hurt, but that I was hurting her to make me see it. It seemed so easy for her to walk away from me, I didn't understand how some one could just walk away from something so good. My mind kept being drawn back to what my friends had told me " focus on the negative."

Now they didn't just say "focus on the negative." What they did was wait until I was extremely susceptible to suggestion (read very drunk) and then repeatedly interrupted me. Every time I would try and speak they would cut in with something like "No! She doesn't like you Geoff" or "No! She's just playing with you Geoff" believe me, if this ever happens to you the answer is "5 and I can fly". It's a form of brain washing we played with when we were kids but back then it was always stupid little things like "how many fingers am I holding up?" This was different. There was this whole world of emotion and life and experience happening around me, I could see for miles. Some experiences were not as nice as others, but they weren't so bad when you took in the entire experience that is life. What my friends did was force me to focus on one aspect of my life then gave it negative connotations. So when she told me it was over all I could see was that she had toyed with me and lied to me. Even though in my heart I love her all I could see was that she had wronged me. I had moments of clarity, where my heart would beat out my mind, but the scars are deep. My life is full of things which are anchored to her, a stair well, a specific song, a color. Every time I would think of her all of these negative things would pop into my mind. My friends had brutishly interrupted a very delicate and beautiful dance between two lovers with their ignorant views and opinions of what was going on and what they thought should be.

I was knocked to the ground and when I got up I was so blinded by pain that I focused my attacks in the wrong direction. I didn't see how my words were hurting her or how far from me they were driving her. Now, to late, I can see what I have done. She is lost to me, through my own actions. As I dig through the mess that my life has become I realize that there was a man made reef built up and when my wave broke I got caught in it. Instead of being able to dive deeper then the wave it just kept pulling me across the jagged steal of previously sunken ships. There can be no turning back. I have been able to get under the wave now and it is no longer dragging me along behind it. The damage is done and I need to move forwards. I'm sure that my friends meant well and I have forgiven them, but I won't forget. It hurts that they would put me through so much pain, and that one of them doesn't even really seem to care. Now they just want to see me happy and are willing to destroy me until I act like I am. I am giving them no more power over my life. They destroyed far to much to be allowed back into my house. Maybe in time I will, but not now... not for a long while.
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2009|09:14 pm]

I have tried to write this three times now. Beginnings are always the most difficult, they can set the stage for every thing that happens after them. The beginning was magical, something which I had not felt in many years stirred inside me. We talked for what seemed like hours about freedom and the stars, About how curious and confusing the actions of humans are. We talked about the way people decide how we should act or react to situations and how they put the weight of those expectations on our shoulders. We talked about former lovers, how badly we'd been hurt in the past, how deep the scars are and how important honesty is... Then we went for Pho. Something about that night reminded me of who I am, what it's like to be free of my own expectations and my own self reservations and judgments, it was liberating. I had spent the night as myself, for the first time in what felt like years there were no  boundaries as to how far I could run.

Our first kiss... back at the same park, I wanted to walk, she wanted to talk, we did both. We found a pool, there was no one around. It took us some time, but we got in, she'd wanted to do that all summer. It was like a sparing match, how far would we dare to go? To the fence? To the roof? To the side of the pool? Would we jump in? Would he let her drown? Would she push him away?  Timid, uncertain, exhilurating; anticipation then passion. The only ones to witness it were the stars.

I am an alpha, I do not play well as second best. There was no reason to stay, she was my favorite play mate but games have to end some time. He was her best friend, his place in her life was secure. I was a periferal, a distraction, hardly competition. But when I started to walk away she stopped me and said, "He and I know that if the other person finds some one they want to be with we will have to stop and I really like you, A LOT. Isn't that enough?" I still can't say why I said it, it came from that place inside me that had only just woken up, "yes".  It happened that fast, I was in love, I didn't realize it at the time. It's not what I had wanted but all my defenses were down, she was inside my core, my music, my motion, my essence. She had the ability to effect every part of me and for some reason, I was happy about it. I wanted to share every piece of beauty I saw with her. Every act of kindness, every sunset, every storm and every flower. Every time something would touch that part of me, I would think of her. I wanted to be there with her, through every fall every stumble, every dilemma every tragedy; to catch her, steady her, listen to her, and help pick up the pieces.

Things weren't perfect but every time I would question weather I should stay she would find some way of reassuring me, of showing me that she was still there with me. And every time she did I would fall a little bit deeper. Some people will think I'm crazy but it got to a point where I could feel her inside, she had become apart of my life to the fullest extent. And people could see that even her. They would argue with me, fight with me, insult me, insult her. They would do what ever they thought neciessary to try and make me see that it wasn't mutual. None of them understood that I knew it wasn't mutual. I never fought for my right to be loved though I allowed my self to hope, I only fought for my right to love. In the end; broken, beaten,and destroyed, with my head down, kneeling in blood stained dirt holding my love high like a flag she gave me one last night of hope then left me.

To say now that I should let it go, to tell me now after all that I went through that I should be able to leave my love in the dirt, dust my self off and smile is to disrespect everything that I went through. I fought for this pain, and not one of you out there has the right or entitlement to tell me that it wasn't worth it.

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(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2009|08:50 pm]
She hit town like a rose in bloom
Smell the sweet, sweet perfume
The color faded and the petals died
Down in the city no one cried

And in the streets the garbage lies
Protected by a million flies
With roaches so big they got bones
They moved in and made themselves at home

I say nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
I'm not a nice boy!

Sweet sixteen she was fresh and clean
Wanted so bad to be part of the scene
She met the man and she did the smack
And now, she pays the price layin' down on her back

Want so bad just to please the boys
Ended up bein' just a toy
Played so hard burned her life away
Lies were told no promises made

Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
I'm not a nice boy...and I never was

Young and fresh when she hit town
Hot for kicks just to get around
And now she lays in a filthy room
She kills the pain with a flick and a spoon

And in the streets the garbage lies
protected by a million flies
With roaches so big they got bones
They moved in and made themselves at home

Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...don't play rock'n'roll
Nice boys...they never play rock'n'roll

-Nice Boys by Rose tatoo
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(no subject) [Sep. 3rd, 2009|09:33 am]
I am nothing without your touch my love
I am nothing with out your kiss
To spend each night in your arms my flower
Is this mans idea of bliss
To not hear your voice each day
Is to die seven times by gods wrath
If I was any thing but human
I'd be the water in your bath
Till then my love
... Ciao

-Prince (under the cherry moon) 
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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2009|06:06 pm]

My roll is not the one that I had hoped for. My suspicions are reinforced by minor circumstances which present me as the one on the ouside; stepping in occasionaly for a moment or two of amusment before being reminded of my place. I am on the edges of vision and unless I wave my arms I am not noticed. It is true that I am accepted in many tribes; however I belong to none of them and  so must take the lot of a guest and move on before my welcome becomes overstayed, stepping once again into these social wildes. Wildes which have been so much a part of my life. I understand their workings and mechanations, but to long in them and you become less then a man, more then an animal. You become a spectacle as you step into a circle. You attract awe, fascination, and suspicion as you pass through the crowd. Perhaps you might find a place to lay your head for a time but never a home, never a tribe to call your own. You spend enough time out here watching from the outside and the tribes loose their appeal, you learn to dispise their predictability  and the blind devotion of their numbers, when asked to stay you decline and move on not willing to sacrifice yourself to their ideals. If you stand long enough in one place you begine to imagine that you could possably build a place of sanctuary, a place for travelers like your self to stop when they start to crave a home, a place to gather a tribe of your own. But as you start to build you realise there is no foundation and your hard work crumbles leaving only the road at your feet, so you move on. Curriosity seakers will sometimes come to you, ask to travel with you between the social realms. They come to you seaking the wisdom and guidance of one who has an unbiased view, one who has seen things outside of the limited scope of their social frame. Some become enamoured with the idea of you seaking to join you on your journies and become a part of your world, for a time you may be foolish enough to believe that you have found a companion. Inevidably however they are drawn back into the folds of the tribe that they call home or of some other tribe which appeals to them and is willing to accept their pressence. They desire the comfort of familiarity and the stability of status, no matter how minor. Occasionaly you may cross paths with another wanderer, or a small pack of travelers like your self, but your paths soon seperate and you are once again the lone wolf, the social gypsy.


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